Last semester, I wrote a paper at length concerning  “kompromat” – or more specifically, negative (and quasi-illegal) public relations work that is the fuel behind Russia’s democracy, if it can really be called that. At the time, I despaired over the intense and entirely unnecessary vilification of Barack Obama’s presidency and the utter lack of respect and decorum that many Americans gave and observed in regards to our 44th.

To provide a little context: Russia, a country merely two decades removed from what is undoubtedly the most comprehensive example of a centralized economy in which the government controls every aspect of a citizen’s life, thought that in a democratic process, there was absolutely nothing wrong with hiring a PR firm to produce doctored images of your opponent sleeping with underage Armenian schoolgirls while reading Mein Kampf. Democracy is just capitalism with a ballot box, right? Even though America’s democracy had been tumbling down the mountain since Watergate, we still managed to stay abreast of such blatant corruption. Oh, we came close in 2008 with the release of “Hillary”; but cooler heads and brighter minds prevailed.

Well, my friends; that America is dead. It no longer exists. It has been successfully consigned to the annals of history books; to serve as a backpack stuffer and a piece of locker decor for hormonally dynamic adolescents. With the decision of 5 conservative judges – judges appointed BEFORE Barack Obama, for those of you who will be calling for the man’s head on a pike after the democratic institution has collapsed within the next decade – our country’s fabled democracy was thrown into the ideologically fatalist swill of the Russian Federation. In your next congressional election, you’ll be choosing between a racist Marxist Muslim who hates America and a segregationist pedophile with a penchant for Haitian orphans. Of course, the candidates themselves won’t say this. Their corporate interests – or sovereigns, that’s more appropriate – will be acting on their behalf. For the first time, you’ll probably have to do research to make sure that the guy (or gal) you’re voting for is actually a Democrat or a Republican.

If you’ve ever seen a soccer game, you’re familiar with the fact that soccer teams shamelessly whore themselves out for the sponsor that will pay the most to be on the front of their jersey. That’s what Congress is like right now. Mitch McConnell sports a big fat “AIG” on his chest, John Boehner displays a more subtle “Aetna” and even Chris Dodd is guilty of a modest yet visible “Ford” logo.

Now politicians will become more similar to NASCAR cars, in that there are so many advertisements plastered everywhere that it becomes impossible to keep track of them all.

Why, you ask? Because Senate elections have devolved from penny-ante Gin Rummy into no-limit Texas Hold ‘Em. Don’t even get me started on the presidency. What’s to stop T. Boone Pickens and Jerry Jones from jointly crapping $200 million dollars of their fortune into destroying Barack Obama’s reputation to pave the way for Sarah Palin? I would say “Blade”; but not even Wesley Snipes can do anything about a legislative transgression of this magnitude.

I used to joke that in 2025 we would be so indebted to China and Japan that we would be forced to advertise their corporations on our national events. “The 2025 State of the Union Address” brought to you by Toyota. “Emergency Address on the Impending Crisis of Immediate Nuclear Detente” brought to you by Nintendo.

Well,  it could be worse. At least corporations won’t be getting their own employees to run for office…right?

Tony Montgomery ‘13 is a blogger for the Cornell Democrats.